A Deeper Look Into Anxiety and Insomnia
Anxiety and Insomnia with me, work together in a lot of ways. For instance, last night I had the same problem falling to sleep, simply because of my anxiety. Due to my Anxiety I can’t close my eyes, but I’m tired so my eyes close, then open, then close, then open. It’s literally like a baby fighting it’s sleep and absolutely refusing to just let go and have sleep take it away. It’s a difficult concept to grasp immediately, even for me because I’m tired…and I want to go to bed.
It’s hard to sit in the bed and argue with myself about how silly I’m being and that I just need to close my eyes and go to sleep. So I watch tv and hope the lulls of screen waves will eventually put my mind into a less than satisfying rest, but I will always take what I can get. When it comes to sleep I am very greedy, I treasure and cherish sleep simply because I don’t get to have it. It’s hard when people don’t understand this, especially when they say things like ‘Well you slept all night, or I watched you sleeping you got lots of sleep.’ No disrespect but you don’t know what you’re talking about. Saying that just kind of makes you seem ignorant to my condition, like I said no disrespect but….It hurts.
It hurts not because of people’s inability to be educated about it, but more because they are ‘unwilling’ to learn it. So even when it is explained, over and over again I hear the same things. I can be asleep for 12 hours, wake up and feel like I got none. This is true because in reality I didn’t sleep! Just because your body shuts down doesn’t mean your sleeping. My condition makes my body usually stop at SREM and I never fully go into the 4th stage of sleep or REM. Fact: REM is restful sleep, everything else isn’t. So yes, you saw me sleeping for 12 hours but in reality it was about an hour and a half at tops. Like I said though, people are reluctant to hear. I’m quite used to it by now, but it still hurts every time I hear it.
Tired Days….Tired Work Ethic
It’s obvious the next point that I’m about to make. The amount of sleep a person gets effects just about everything they do. Think about what you were taught in school, sleep is the most important thing before a test. Make sure you get a full 8 hours of sleep! All of this was drilled into our heads, and yes sleep is very good for you. Sleep helps you function and it helps you able to work throughout the day.
Let’s go even deeper than that though. When you go into REM, that is the only time that your body repairs itself. It washes out all the bad stuff, it polishes your organs, you heal the fastest when you are asleep, and it’s repairing muscle and making it stronger again from the tear of the day. When this process is skipped what is the result? None of that repair happened. REM also takes care of most of your mental functions and ability to focus. This is vital. Imagine waking up without all of these things. Average American right? Everyone wakes up sleep deprived, I’ve heard it before and I believe it! But imagine what you have even worse. Imagine that you cannot get that REM no matter how much you want it, going beyond that imagine that you are terrified of it.
You learn to deal with being a walking Zombie, running on 6 hours of sleep a week. Focusing becomes nearly impossible, and it makes school VERY challenging. I don’t work right now, but working will be the same thing, as I went to school and worked before – Nothing was different. I know when it starts to happen- to really wear on me I find myself answering everyone shorter. That’s not who I am, I’m really bouncy and happy and fun! I just don’t have the energy, so for example my husband will ask me how my day was and I’ll say ‘It was fine’ and I wont want to talk about it anymore. In fact I wont talk about anything anymore. He thinks something is wrong….and something is, I’m not sleeping. It’s nothing against him but after a while I can understand how it would be hard to deal with that.
The “Please Don’t Go Out” Bargain
Something that’s down to the fundamentals of my Anxiety is light. It’s hard for me to tell you what it’s like to bargain with a light but I’m going to try and give you a run down.
Sitting in my blankets at night watching TV I try to go to sleep. The feeling starts to crawl in slowly, “The Always Watching Me” feeling that I talked about on my previous journal entry. So my Ultimate fear sets in of what’s the worst possible thing that can happen to me right now? The Lights Could GO OUT!!!!! So my eyes immediately go to the ceiling fan light and I stare. I stare at it and stare at it until I start to get mad at it. My anger for it quickly turns to fear and I begin bargaining with the light in my mind. I say all kind of thing to myself to will the light to stay on. ~ about 15 minutes in
It gets worse as I branch out to other suspects in the “Please Don’t Go Out” bargain. ~About 30 minutes in. Now I’m thinking of all the different ways that the light could go out. A sudden storm could roll in, Oh don’t worry the sky was clear when I was outside. But wait…Someone could crash their car and hit the power box! But what are the chances of that happening? Hang on! It’s 1am! The electric company could decide to suddenly do maintenance and turn off everyone’s power! Everyone is asleep after all!
~Roughly an hour later My heart is finally starting to settle. This usually is paired with me finally able to go to sleep.
Closer For Today
Again I’m always open the questions or comments, just send me something and I’ll answer you when I’m able. More than happy to do so! Thanks for reading and I hope this was insightful into my world of Anxiety.
Food For Thought
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my own boundaries. I thought I set them pretty clear with people but I realize I’m capable of making mistakes. It’s especially hard when other people make mistakes and now I have to suffer the consequences of that. The reality of that is I’m letting it get to me and I need to let it stop. It’s hard to discipline yourself and say you can’t let other people get to you that try to invade your boundaries. It’s even harder if its people you simply can’t ignore.
Regardless of these factors I do the best I can. I can’t please everyone and that is just how it is going to be. Above all someone shouldn't have to apologize for their personal feelings. That’s just other people, trying to destructively push their way into your personal life. It’s none of their business. So there is only a couple of things you can do from here. Shut down and bottle it all in, or let them huff and puff and build and live as you normally would.
Writing Writing Writing
I’m actually writing this while I’m in class. Don’t worry I’m paying attention. I keep flipping back and forth in History. It’s just U.S history and we are doing stuff I can do at home. It’s no big deal really, It’s not psychology! Which I pay attention in no matter what.
I’m actually disappointed in the fact that I didn’t get to take an English comp this year. I should have but the class was filled up! Maybe I can get two next semester, I’ll just have to sign up a lot earlier than I did last time. As for honing up my writing skills, I still rp in GCRPG every day. Having a lot of fun moving through the plots and getting a lot of threads finished with. I actually need to take on more threads since I’m so caught up on them!
To Say Thanks
I’d like to thank the people that commented on my work and that have stayed with me through difficulties being able to stay focused. I’m doing my best to find time to journal and it is becoming more and more important to me by the day. Above all, I’m going to start logging my dreams, maybe you all can jump on board with that and tell me your dreams. Sorry if I don’t dream all the time, I rarely actually go into REM due to my sleeping disorder. But if I have a night terror I’ll be sure to tell you about it.
Just Random Chit Chat
Exactly as the title says. I feel like my feelings aren’t being respected lately. It’s okay for other people to have their feelings respected, but not mine. It’s not very fair when it comes down to it really. I’ve been very pressured to get a job lately, with absolutely no plan that works around it. Like I’m supposed to ‘poof’ magically pop there with no car, no bike. Like I’m supposed to walk 10 miles every day to work and back? I have a medical condition, I can’t do that.
But people don’t understand that, instead they just walk over me like I’m faking it or its not that big of a deal. It really hurts sometimes, I’ve done a lot and I do a lot now. Everyones not good at something, when it comes to physical activity that’s just not my strong point. I’ll probably never be good at it and that’s just something that’s always been there with me. I want to just like everyone else, but I have to be responsible for myself, or next it will be complaining about a hospital trip.
I don’t mind getting a job, honestly I don’t, I’d just like to have my own car first. I guess I’m asking too much to have that first. Regardless I’m going to get one and see if life gets easier. I know it wont for me, and I’ll probably be sick all the time but Ill try to smile through it all. I’m willing to do whatever, it doesn’t matter to me. I just want to stay in school and get my career going and be happy with my husband. I don’t know why there is so much resistance involved in that. I really don’t think I’m asking for too much.
Now I’m in geography, but trust me I’m going to need to be writing this to get through it. Geo is the hardest class for me to stay awake in. Mostly because the teach talks so painfully quiet and slow. I don’t think he does it on purpose, the poor guy, but it’s just terribly difficult. Thankfully its geography and nothing will really change about it. Europe will hopefully still be in the same place by the time I get to the test!
Actually I think I’m going to stop today and take notes in Geo. I’ll prepare for my second entry in my journal today which will be a continuation about my Anxiety.
I've been really wanting to explain this in better detail for my friends and family for sometime. It's take a while to be able to really display and articulate my thoughts in a proper manner. I'm going to give it a go and see how it comes out. By the end of this you may understand my anxiety and my insecurity problems or you wont. I just ask that you keep an open mind and try to take it for what it is and nothing more. Underneath my anxiety I'm still the same girl, just with some issues.
I haven't always had anxiety issues. The issues themselves are actually very recent considering how long I've delt with my phobias, Night Terror's and Insomnia. Anxiety was actually the third issue to appear, but I will start at it's beginning. My anxiety certainly was a slow build up, and it has morphed and changed a lot over the years from only pertaining to one issue...to spread to several in my life. Anxiety is a terribly contagious thing to myself and after an explaination I hope you will get a better understanding as to why.
I remember after the incident which most of you already know about, I started to leave more light on in the house. It drove my parents nuts, it was a sudden thing to that just kept happening more over the years. I started leaving every light on, hesitating before I went into a dark room. Sliding my hand into the bathroom to fish for the light switch before my body went in, and even that was difficult. When the power went out and it was night time, I would panic. I remember one night it was so bad it happened while my parents weren't home. I was in the basement and hurt myself severely just trying to scramble up the stairs. That was actually a beginning stride for me, as later I would find out that I could also very easily slip into shock in the dark and not remember any of it. I would find myself being woken up later by someone in some corner asking me if I'm okay.
That Anxiety of the dark still remains, but it's changed quite a bit. I still have the same problems with the dark than before but as it grew I started to get the 'always watching me' Syndrom. This happened after my night terrors really started to get frequent. From then on, I never really felt like I was alone. Logically, my mind was telling me i'm just being paranoid and I need to ignore it. I've even chalked it up to a chemical imbalance in the brain due to all the drugs I use to abuse. I've tried just about every excuse I could to get out of my issue and turn it into a medical problem. The reality of an anxiety issue is, it's more psychological than medical.
Always Watching Me
This one's been really rough for me actually. I'd say it's probably the worst one to deal with because it brought on the clarity of my Ambience issues. Whenever the room is too silent, or there is a residual noise I can't help but start to fidget. It can be something as simple as running water - to a vaccume cleaner. It's very difficult for me to describe to you why this is, but it just happens that way. My heart begins to race, I break into a cold sweat, my head begins to pound, and I can't sit still. Above all, I can't sit anywhere with my back not to a wall.
For your Example:
Last night I couldn't stay up any longer so I went to bed before Riccky. I layed down, turned on the TV, turned on the closet and the bathroom light and the light from my lighthouse. All the usual things to make the room bright. Without Riccky last night...all of that wasn't enough. So I got up and turned on the overhead too. You will find I have no issue sleeping in broad daylight. Our bed is positioned just so, so there is a small hole behind the bed for a stand and a lamp against a corner. That small space alone is enough to spend my Anxiety into a spiral. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and suddenly I ripped my head around like something was behind me. I did it again, and again untill my heart was beating so fast I was sure something was chasing me. So I got up and ran back into the living room, where Riccky watched me sit down so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wasn't going back in there for a while.
The hair on my skin stands up, thats one way to put it. The feeling itself I think only people that suffer the same issue can really understand. It's that feeling when you know you're not alone.
Trickle Down Trickle Open Effect
Anxiety has spread into several different areas of my life and in several different ways. In some instances, it's even spread with people. I never thought I'd have a problem talking to someone, but the more I have recently the more I've noticed that my anxiety issues come up. It could be something as simple as walking in the morning through the college. Not a lot of people are there yet, especially on the east wing, so it's dark and quiet in a lot of places. I've even stood outside of a dark hallway because I couldn't reach the lightswitch and waited for someone to do it for me. I got the weird looks of course but I wasn't going to explain it. Explaining it to someone who doesn't understand is probably the hardest thing to do, especially since you'll be judged by it.
Lately my Anxiety has actually taken a turn for Neurotisism. Yes, I've noticed I've become Neurotic about things. I'll check the stove 4 or 5 times just to make sure i've turned it off. I'll check the car over and over and over and then worry about it in school whether I've locked it or not. I've even become that way with Moomba, wherre if he doesn't come out or answer me for a certain amount of time, I jump to the immidiate decsion that he must be outside and lost. It's the latest developed syndrom from all of this and it's beginnings. I'm still learning how to deal with it better.
Don't Worry I Can Fix You
I've found over the years of dealing with Anxiety and dealing with Insomnia, Night terrors, and my Nyctophobia that people want to help. Now I don't think they are aware that what they do and say...may or may not help? But I seem to always get the type that think that they can fix me by talking to me. I appericiate the consern I really do, but if you thought talking to me would fix the problem - Don't you think I would have come to you years ago? Or with people that say "I just have to do this or this, or just get over it" In 7 years don't you think I might have tried just about everything?
It's the "Don't Worry I Can Fix You". No, I've never actually had anyone say that to my face, but thats really what it feels like. You're broken, so let me fix you. I've even heard people say that it's childish for me to be afraid of the dark. That's actually really hurtfull to hear, because I agree to a certain extent, the reality is that I am. Trust me if there was something I could do to remedy it I would have already done it. This is a kind of hell that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Now this doesn't mean I'm not open to listening to what people have to say about my issues, I'd just like for some people to give me a bit more respect on the issue. Like not trying to fix me, because I'm not broken I promise. I am a logical thinker, I'm not stupid. I know that there is nothing in the dark to be afraid of. You really think I don't know that? Or that I don't believe that? I know that my fears are irrational, unfortunatly fear is sometimes irrational.
I'm going to continue this and extend it at a later date, but I hope this was insightfull so far. I'm open to answer any questions people may have, feel free to ask just remember what I said about fixing me. A really good friend of mine Avalika actually inspired me to write this with her blog. It's actually helped me in a lot of ways get more insight into my anxiety issues, and I'm so happy to have her as a close friend. I have a constant support system of my parents and my husband when it comes to my issues. Mom and Dad always willing to listen and help in any way they can and Riccky has always been there with emotional and rational support. I also have an amazing circle of friends who have always been there when I needed to vent among the closest to me being (names disclosed for privacy and using their alias's) Edward and more recently Arkham. They have been nothing but helpfull, understanding and supportive. Love you guys <3
I'll write more about this another day. Like I said questions comments welcome! Thanks for reading.
So I finally got the sub I needed to level 15, that took me nearly all night. I was also able to get my CNJ to level 30 and 31 today. Moving along! I still have a bit to go to catch up to Saith though. (Riccky). He's already got a level 50 MNK. I took a long break though to play other games. Also I've been placing GCRPG over it as a priority and I still do that. Because it's extremely fun! So I will continue to put it over FFXIV XD
Today was filled with trying to set up the eliptical. That took quite a while to assemble and I had to help hold many parts while Riccky put it together. I'm going to start by trying to use it at least 15 minutes a day and then keep bumping it up as I feel I can do longer. I want to take it slow so I don't hurt myself on it or stretch anything. It's been a while since I've done any heavy work outs but I'm happy to get back into it.
We picked up some alcohol tonight and we're going to drink and have fun. I've still got some posts to worry about on the site but I've got lots of ideas in mind and some posts almost finished. I hope Edward posts soon so I can move things along with Heather's plots line as well since they are both connected. If anything I can always work on my other plots. Anyway I'm going to go have a good night!
Got caught up on most of my posts today, replied to Nina, and Ivy. Going through the Scarebeast motions with Ivy today and it's turning out to be embarrassing for him. Poor Scarebeast, if this gets out to anyone else he will never hear the end of it. Oh God If Dr. Arkham or Edward finds out. /facepalms. It's Edwards birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDWARD!
Anyway the site has so much activity i'm just stoked! We got a Batman yesterday and he's already been jumping in to threads very heavily. I'm excited I'm i'm sure to face the batman again soon. Jonathan isn't obsessed with Batman like many of the other villains. The Batman just gets in his way from conducting his research. So he has to deal with him on the occassion, but honestly he doesn't care for coming up against him at all.
Today has been going pretty good so far, got posts done first when I woke up because I had some energy to write. Just trying to do an LJ post now. I haven't eaten yet so I'm thinking about making some eggs and bacon after I'm done writing this. I think today I'll play some video games after I get some chores done, nothing too new or crazy. Probably hop on Diablo III for a bit, maybe Play some Sims 3 and eventually pop on FFXIV. I don't really feel like playing a console game today, I'll just stick with computer tonight! Anyway! Today's list!
Clean the Kitchen Run Dishwasher Fold laundry Work on guest room
- Video games!
Yesterday I was actually able to get out of my writers block and write amazing posts. I go into this rut sometimes, but I always come out of it with a full swing. Whatever comes next is usually awesome. I think it's mainly because our Dr. Arkham is so great. When he posts I just get into character easily and everything just comes together. Edward works in the same way. We've been getting amazing activity which isn't unusual for the site at all. It's always been very active, but we've been getting lots of apps! If you haven't applied, Do come and join! I promise you'll have a blast and there are actually some really good characters up for grabs right now.
I know that it would be nice to have a Batgirl and a Harvey Dent, having a few more doctors and police wouldn't hurt either! We are also looking for another Batman at the moment, a very fun character to play! As I say a lot he's the only character that is effectively able to power play always 100% of the time! Because you know you're going to lose. You have to lose XD
Just some things
Today has been a pretty regular day. I haven't eaten breakfast yet but since it's almost 3pm I'm thinking that I should probably skip and just make lunch. I'll have a light dinner tonight. I've been eating really nothing but Ramen and Oatmeal for a while now, on the college kid diet. It's good because it's virtually the only two things I can eat all the time without getting tired of. I don't really know why that is, but as long as I still like it I don't care why!
We've been watching all of The Simpsons over again and it's been hilarious. I use to love that show so much, I would watch it every night in high school. Go to lunch the next day and talk about it with all my friends. Of course I was a cool kid back then so we watched it mostly because we were always high on something and that made it ten times more hilarious. It's sad I know, but that's the kid I use to be. Of course I've grown up a lot now, I've been clean for a long time as I've said before, and I have no intention of going back to drugs...Ever
I do however have an addictive personality, it's a personal choice and a personal problem. If I'm around drugs, I'm going to do them. So as a result I can't hang around people that do them, even if they don't do them around me. It's not that I don't trust them or I don't like them. I don't trust myself enough around the substance or even around the person enough to not ask for it. I can't do it...So I learned the best thing for me to do is just not be around it. Change your people, places, and things. It worked for me!
Today I'd like to make a little list for myself and scratch it off as I go through what I plan to do, So I'll come back and edit the list as it gets done today. Call it my way of making little goals for myself, totally inspired by someone.
Scrub the Shower Put away laundry Eat Lunch Work on guest room
- Catch up on posts
That and Drinks are $1.00 no matter what size you get now...So I'm wondering why they did that because it's retarded. Like anyone's not going to order a large. I just don't get what was the concept behind that.
Anyway watching South Park right now and relaxing a bit before I go clean the whole house and run back and forth between GCRPG and AIM. Talking to a lot of my friends on there like I usually do. They made me a moderator today which is awesome, I'm excited to get started on my responsibilities, helping people out that are new to the site and just moderating in general. It will be fun, It's sad at the same time though. Catwoman has been MIA for a while and honestly I was really looking forward to rping with her. I hope she comes back soon. I'd love to start back up our thread if we can.
Anyway GCRPG is awesome, right now I'm all caught up on posts, waiting for Arkham and Heather to reply tonight. I'm actually in a thread with a lot of people, Edward holding most of them at the moment. I'm really excited for his plot, especially because it goes right along with my plot XD. We're always at each others throats. Same with Dr. Arkham and I. Just made a new thread with Heather and him that's epic. He said he was going to respond to it tonight so I'm stoked.
Now something not about Batman and GCRPG
Lifes been settling down a lot Disability came in finally and the money is finally coming in. We got two nice ipod docks for the house. One for the shower and one for the living room, they take care of my ambiance problems. We ordered an elliptical machine too which is awesome, it's suppose to be here on the 15th. So many changes I'm excited.
So you thought I was done?
No not done! So since I have many good friends out here that share my love for video games and role playing in general I'd like to post the advertisement for GCRPG. It's a great place with friendly staff, Been alive for over a year and a half now and it's very active. You've seen how addicted I've been to it and these people are talented rper's. Don't be intimidated :) Apply and join the fun!
The movie was just great, I have nothing bad to say about it and I recommend people go see it in the theater it was defiantly worth it. The acting was great the special effects was great, everything you'll love it. Go see it.
My brother came over today but I didn't get to see him, missed him by about 30 minutes. It sucks but We'll see him a lot more when we're in our own place an can entertain. I miss my sister too. I need to call her tomorrow, This whole house closing thing has ha me on edge and kind of stressing. It's such a huge deal. I just can't believe we're doing it and it's happening. The closing is on wed, it's so close.
Then we'll have our own home right here in Yukon. Heh that's been my dream forever, to have my own home right here the greatest place on Earth. With my favorite person <3 Luv you Riccky.
Then we can move in yay!!! I can't wait to move in, really want to just get that over with and relax in our new house. They are going to replace the roof completely too.
Couldn't fall asleep until about 5:30am, I just laid there in bed and watched the clock, ugh last night was terrible...At least I don't have school tomorrow